"Water will be many things, but even in all its forms, it will always be water."
And so on the saddest day, I lay my head down the bench, and allow myself to smell, to see, to hear, and to feel what's needed to be.
Life brought sadness on days where we feel like it isn’t needed. We’d try to switch it, like an on and off button, so that we can at least feel a little better. But it can’t really be done that easily now, can it?
On mornings where you wake up, and stare at the blank ceiling, questioning Why do I feel this way? Shouldn’t I be grateful instead? Why do some days feel so heavy… I’m being so dramatic, I should probably go on with my life… and then you’ll smack your face, open up the curtains and blinders, soak in the morning sun with a smile, pretending life may just get a little better now. But it didn’t, didn’t it?
May I just apologetically say that it isn’t better, even just for a little?
Can we embrace truth here just for one second, that life does not feel okay at all?
It never feels better, but it feels so weak doesn’t it, to tremble down for a minute, and actually admit that it’s not okay? It feels so heavy just to let it out, and shout, and cry speechlessly when time never stops ticking and we’re forced to push farther and get on with life, because it isn’t worth it…, but it’s needed.
And what’s needed is always worth something. Some pain is worth the pain.
Is it not?
We pretend to be strong to go on, because time keeps on ticking, and we’re scared to be left behind. Maybe we are all not that different after all.
School.. job.. can be such a gift to us, because it distracts us from all of the drama. Did you actually admit that? You feel like you didn’t have the time to tremble down, or be sad, or to even cry for a bit now can you? You are so packed up with life, you think that you’re chasing something even more worthy in the world’s eyes; good marks, good business, good life with all the Oh, I’m fine!…, fame, money, money, money. But we are just running away every now and then, can’t you see? Can’t you see your heart shrieking speechlessly, in the room you locked, begging you to be honest and admit to yourself… you missed it. Sometimes you did missed it. Your long loss desire. Your broken pieces. Your pain. Oh, how it hurts… you don’t even want to feel to be able to understand…
Darling, what did you do to deserve this? You never ask for any of it, and now you’re wondering if this worth anything it all.
What’s worthy in the world’s eyes isn’t always worthy in everyone’s eyes. We might need good marks to make us feel good about ourselves, and money to survive, and fame to be heard & seen, but that’s not your only worth now is it? Deep inside you know there’s more to life than it to be just only that. And it doesn’t have to be love. Sometimes it’s as painful as forgiving. Sometimes it’s as nothing as writing free newsletters like what I did. Sometimes many view one as nothing, but it is something. It is something for you.
It’s okay to work your way through the pain. It’s okay to work your way through the unknown, because you have a gift of a heart to do it. You are very much aware of what’s needed to be done. You know it all along. And you deserve to feel; you deserve to cry, and smile stupidly, you deserve it all no matter how old you are. No matter how stupid it feels, you deserve. It’s been a while my friend, put it down for a bit.
Something stupid as to cry can make you feel way better after the morning shifted to the night. It’s one step for you to heal through whatever you’ve been through. Life has been tough now isn’t it, my friend? You might not be poor. But still, life is tough. It does not always mean you ought to feel okay when you’re not.
- Book Recommendation & Quote -
A letter from a boy to his love.
Beyah,
My father once told me love is a lot like water.
It can be calm. Raging. Threatening. Soothing.
Water will be many things, but even in all its forms, it
will always be water.
You are my water.
I think I might be yours, too.
If you’re reading this, it means I’ve evaporated.
But it doesn’t mean you should evaporate, too.
Go flood the whole goddamn world, Beyah.
An excerpt from the novel, HEART BONES, by Colleen Hoover.
- Poem & Publication -
Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.
Valencia Wilianto, @PoetryOfHvaw