Today, I learnt I have a heart the size of a whale

Heavy as it is, as it was, and as it will be

I had a short, bitter farewell today with some coworkers. I didn't get to say ‘I love you’ to them because these past few months have also not been easy for this girl to carry through.

One of them acts like a dear mother to me. One other prays when I don't even know how to pray or what to pray about because one shit gets tough, the only thing you can do is just do the work without letting the emotions play in.

But I realised today that I probably have a heart the size of a whale, a blue whale in particular, just because I know it’s big enough to forgive even when I don't want to forgive.

and I probably sing, too. I might have been singing all along in the middle of the ocean and on shore; it doesn't matter. I'm a little humpback whale, knowing that I might just be the last person standing to hold myself against me. I know my existence might not be convincing enough for everyone to see how beautiful this world is, but I am beautiful in the way I sing my own language.

I used to question whether drowning was really my thing. But I realised I am not most whales, who can hold up to thirty minutes underwater without coming back to shore. I am not most whales. I am as little as I can be. I am my own little sperm whale who managed to stay ninety minutes long and not feel like drowning at all. I am perfectly indifferent to my way of being different, if you get what I mean.

I’ve been carrying a thousand pounds of existence like carrying a Volkswagen Beetle with my one hand, and I don’t even realise shit. I get why mindfulness is so important now to some people, not that I will do it tomorrow. I accept my difference in carrying some stuff. Heavy stuff should be carried and put down. Light stuff should be carried, yet we stop. Nothing comes out permanent.

What else did I learn today?

Oh, I know that there are two areas of the ocean, just like there are two worlds that separate us from understanding each other. One is where one lives in such good nature, with surrounding trees, coconut oil, branches for dogs to play with, and a classic bathtub. The other is where one lives in such a gloomy, crowded place with fancy pubs and good friends.

You know, I used to believe that two worlds like this ought to come into unity, but then I realised some things are made that way for others to really survive.

This wraps up our lesson for today. Remember, the heart is heavy as it is, as it was, and as it will be. There’s nothing wrong with being kind.

Everlastingly yours,

Val, @PoetryOfHvaw