I was not the best version of myself when I met you.
On shifts and salvation
Dearest friend,
I have not been here for a while now. I might have flown too far away from where I was standing before, and thus I shall say I’m sorry. Some things have to change.
As much as I hate to say it, this is what happens to our lives as time slowly vanishes into a thin layer of air. We are not the people we were 14 years ago. We are not even the people we were yesterday. Every day, we are newborns. Unconsciously unlocking our eyes. It might take a few minutes for us to gather our thoughts; even babies are aware of things shifting. You are not entirely responsible for your past mistakes.
Every day, you stretch your body and admire the sunlight; you think you could be someone different. It’s the feeling of something brand new. The feeling of forgetting who we were yesterday because today is a new chance we might not want to miss. Sometimes, we even forget our 5-minute nap. We thought it was morning again, yet time could act like something kind too. It slows us down like the night matters for us to witness too. Like saying, you can’t possibly miss the moon, darl.
There is a gentle pressure in life where people expect us to stand on the same edge as we were before. That is, of course, perfectly acceptable because we are not their bodies and they are not ours. Maybe life could be endless. Personalities could change. Love could always find you anew. It is not a sin to fall for something new. Maybe if we are careful enough, we can slowly hold their hands and blow the dandelions away, saying, I think this is where I need to loosen the knot. I think this home is now too damp to fit in. Maybe you should try to draw the curtain away, and I'll leave the door open. I shall pack the bags and leave through the door just because this is for the best. It is okay to let someone go. To miss missed opportunities. To cry because you’ve finally lost it all. At least you thought you had lost it all, but you didn’t. You never.
Tomorrow is waiting anew. Someone new who knows your worth is learning about patience. The veggies and fruits you will pick from your garden are taking their time to grow. They don’t rush, but they can’t wait to fulfil you. Your best job is puzzling it out for you to best fit in. And if tomorrow means nothing, then bring on the grime! It just has to be this way.
I was not the best version of myself when I met you. How I wish you could witness how much I’ve grown into this wonderful person I am trying to become. Sometimes, people miss their chances because they see what you are, were, but not what you’re trying to become. As much as you want to show it to others, not everyone will understand the struggle.
Now, you may be wondering, What does it all mean then? To have this before, but in the end, we’ll have to let it all go. What does it mean then? Much of what was once beautiful is now rotten and cracked. I am sad too, but tears were shed for reasons way beyond our reach. And as far as I have heard, no act is ever wasted. It’s just how salvation works; the wrongs open the doors to do right.
With love,
Valencia Wilianto, @PoetryOfHvaw
Book Recommendation
the next person you meet in heaven on Goodreads
Word of the month
“Salvation”
The act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc. (Dictionary.com)
Quote of the month
Sometimes, people miss their chances because they see what you are, were, but not what you’re trying to become.
Question of the month
Is there anything that you need to change? For the better?